
So there we were - LenDogg, Stevie B, Jonah, and I - lounging on the leather couch in the VIP Gold Room of the Saint Bar in Boston with Bud Lights in hand and shots of Sambuca on the table, listening to Artie Lange reminisce about his visit to UMass Amherst in 1988. "I slept for about a half-hour that weekend," Artie tells us. And he is talking to
us. We four UMass grads are shooting the shit with Artie Lange, who's fresh off a sold-out performance at Symphony Hall. "I brought a duffel bag with clothes up on Friday," he says, "and by Sunday afternoon I realized I hadn't even opened it. I didn't even take out a toothbrush!"
We do the shot of Buca (Artie refuses), and sit back. "Dogg," the LenDogg says to me. "There's Artie Lange, sitting five feet away from us." Then he points to the red-headed comedian on our left: "There's Jim Florentine," says the LenDogg. "This is surreal." Funny he said "surreal," because that was the exact word I was thinking of.
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Len and I met up with Steve and Jonah at the Pour House around 6:30 Friday night. We four all went to UMass together, and Len and Steve were roommates sophomore year. Tonight, Steve is our meal ticket. He is an assistant producer on The Howard Stern Show (Stern fans might know him better as "Steve the Intern"), and he's using his connections to get us tickets and backstage passes to "Artie Lange and Friends" at Symphony Hall tonight.
Around 7, we take a cab over to Symphony Hall, and hit up will-call. We get our tickets, and Steve calls Teddy, who is Artie's personal assistant. Teddy meets us at the front door and leads us past security through a side door and into the backstage area. As soon as we step into the backstage hallway, we see Artie standing in a doorway with headphones on. Artie greets Steve - "Hey Brandanadino!" (his last name is actually "Brandano") - and Steve then introduces Artie to each of us. Artie has a good, firm handshake (I care about these things). His hair and beard are graying out a bit, and he's somewhat shorter than I thought he'd be.
We walk into a room where other people are already hanging out. Nice room, but small, with a big, classy piano on the side (which would later be used as a collection area for empty beer bottles. Nice.). Artie heads off to another room in the back. I'm freaking starving so I'm very pleased to see the platter of bread and deli meats in the middle of the room. I help myself to a ham and cheese sandwich, and then the beer arrives. Heineken, nice. Scoping out the other people in the room, we determine that Artie's mom and sister are here. Artie's sister, Stacy, looks to be in her mid-late 30s and is rather attractive. Artie's mom is an older, smaller version of Stacy. Handsome family all-around. There are also some people from Newbury Comics in the room; Artie's doing a signing there tomorrow afternoon.
We learn that Jim Florentine will be the opening act and is going on-stage around 8:00. Florentine is known by some for doing some of the voices on Crank Yankers (Special Ed, Bobby Fletcher). We passed him in the stairway a little while ago when we went down to get our VIP stickers (they actually just say "VISITOR"). Around 8:00, Teddy starts more or less kicking people out of the room and has them go into the hall itself to find their seats. Being the very important people that we are (an assistant producer on the Stern Show and friends of an assistant producer on the Stern Show), we get to stick around in the room for awhile longer, listening to Florentine's set on the speaker in the room.
And then, kind of a strange scene occurred: With the room mostly clear, Artie came back, and so did Greg Fitzsimmons, who's the act between Florentine and Artie. So it was me, Jonah, LenDogg, Artie Lange, and Greg Fitzsimmons in a room together. Now, I don't know much about performing standup, but I'm pretty sure the last thing a comedian wants before going out on stage in front of thousands of people is to make small-talk with some jerkoff with a "VISITOR" sticker on his shirt. So I leave Fitzsimmons to his own thing - which seemed to be grabbing some water and listening to part of Florentine's set. "Rowdy crowd," Fitzsimmons says, or something to that effect, when he hears the heckles coming Florentine's way. I wouldn't say he looked nervous, but it seemed Fitzsimmons definitely was thinking about how to handle this crowd. Artie and Fitzsimmons left, and we sat around listening to Florentine's set. I made another sandwich.
Steve then told us we could take a picture with Artie, so we left our room and went to a smaller room where Artie and Fitzsimmons were. Fitzsimmons was writing down notes on a piece of paper. Again, we left him to his own devices and posed for a picture with Artie, who was really nice about the whole thing. "Did it come out all right?" he asks Len when he checks his camera. It did. You can see it below. We thanked Artie and wished him luck.

Florentine wrapped up his set and now it was Fitzsimmons's turn. I made my way into the hallway so that I could see Fitzsimmons right outside the door that led to the stage. That was pretty cool, to see him in his last few moments backstage, and then seeing him go through the door to the stage. (Trust me, it's a lot cooler than I'm able to make it seem here in blogform.) We decide to head in to the show and take our seats.
The theater person escorted us to our seats - Orchestra section, Row E, Seat 20, my ticket read. Allow me to translate: fifth row, dead center. That's right - there's the stage, the 1st row, the 2nd row, the 3rd row, the 4th row, and then us. Incredible. Just awesome. A few years ago when I saw Seinfeld in Providence, I was way back and could barely make out the guy. Tonight, I can see the sweat on Greg Fitzsimmons's forehead as he tells a joke about powdering his balls.
Fitzsimmons has a great set and expertly handles the rowdy crowd with some great one-liners for the hecklers (your mom jokes, mostly). Now it's time for Artie. The crowd gives Artie a standing-O as he enters the stage to the sounds of "Baba O'Riley."
Artie's act is pretty interesting, in that it seems like he came to the stage with a few bits in mind, but was really willing to just fly by the seat of his pants. Kind of like a
whaddya wanna talk about? attitude with the crowd. "CHUG IT!" one audience member requested, referring to the Jack and Water Artie was sipping. "All right, motherfucker, I'll chug it," Lange replied. Teddy came onstage with a fresh Jack and Water once Artie was done. "JETER'S A FAG!" offered another crowd member. "Oh come on," Artie responded, "he fucked
one guy. Gimme a break."
Artie asked if there were any Stern fans in the building. Yes there are, we told him. He then did impressions of Crazy Alice, Blue Iris, and Jeff the Drunk. Artie then talked about in no particular order: his drug problems, Las Vegas, the New York Jets, Mike Tyson, and playing basketball with nine black guys. He wrapped things up by playing a clip from his Mad TV days where he was coked out. As the clip ran on the big screen, we snuck out so we could get backstage before the crowd.
Backstage I run into Florentine in the hallway. "Good set, Jim," I say, even though I heard about 10 seconds of it. "Hey, thanks man," he says. Five minutes later, Steve introduces us to Fitzsimmons. "Hey Greg, great set, enjoyed it," I say. "Hey thanks alot, nice to meet you," Fitzsimmons says. He then points out that I'm nicely dressed for Symphony Hall (I'm in work-clothes, a button-down shirt and khakis), and that he himself was dressed poorly (jeans and a sweatshirt), and he was the one on-stage. Steve then formally introduces me to Florentine ("Hi Jim, I'm Jim," I say). Florentine and Fitzsimmons then excuse themselves as they have to return to the stage to join Artie for a final goodbye-and-thanks-for-coming.
LenDogg with Florentine and FitzsimmonsFor the next 20 minutes or so we stand around in the increasingly crowded backstage room. Teddy, Artie's assistant, is figuring out the details of the after-party. The party will be at Saint, a bar I've never heard of. Finally, it's time to leave, and we start to file down the stairs to the back door. Artie's up near the front of the line, escorting his mom and sister, and deciding who's riding in what car. We follow Artie out the door, where a handful of autograph-seekers pounce on him. He signs while walking to his limo. Steve, Len, Jonah, and I hop a cab and head over to Saint.
The Saint is a classy joint, apparently, because they won't let Steve in wearing sneakers. It's also connected to the Copley Plaza Hotel, where Artie is spending the night. We hang in the hotel lobby while we wait for Artie to arrive and get us in, sneakers and all. Finally, after about a half-hour of waiting, Artie and friends arrive, and we are whisked through the back entrance of Saint and into the Gold Room below. I don't think I'd ever been whisked anywhere before. Have you ever been whisked? It's great to be whisked somewhere, you should try it.
The Gold Room is made up of one of those half-circle leather couches that stretches around a glass coffee table. The room opens into a big bar area, which in turn opens into another bar area. There's flashing lights and club music. Artie takes a seat on the couch and we follow. Turns out, one of Artie's longtime friends is a UMass grad, and after he finds out that we're all Minutemen as well, he gets Artie to tell his UMass story.
Florentine's here; Fitzsimmons isn't. Everyone who was in the backstage room is here. In the big bar area there are people who weren't at the show, and I'm not sure they're allowed into this Gold Room, where we sit with Artie. Artie's pretty laid-back here, sipping on a Jack and Water, talking to people's friends on their cell phones (or their father, in Lenny's case), and posing for pictures. Florentine's chatting with three girls from our backstage room. And we're just trying to soak in the surrealness (is that a word?) of hanging out with Artie Lange at a private after-party in a trendy Boston bar.
The rest of the night was pretty low-key. Artie sat and sipped until about 12:30, when he and his sister took off. We decided soon after that to call it a night as well. As we were leaving, Florentine kindly obliged our picture request. "Three homos," he said as Steve took the picture of Lenny, Florentine, and me.

Left Saint, took a cab back to Brookline, and drove home. The End.